Behavioral Modeling
by Douglas Johns, MSW"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." -Albert Schweitzer
Children primarily learn through interpersonal experience of the world. What they learn becomes a model of their experiences. The primary models for most kids are experiences of their parents, but peers can also model experiences, especially in adolescence. Think of these modeled experiences as maps that “teach” kids what it means to be alive and live in the world. The more frequent a particular type of experience, the more "real" a particular map of life becomes for the child. Understanding this concept of modeling reminds us that there are specific ways to behave in the presence of young people that are preferable. Through awareness of our behavior, and what it teaches kids, adults can increase preferred experiences and the values associated with those experiences.
Modeling can be thought of as a formalized description of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done to you. What is important to remember, however, is that modeling is grounded in the conscious intention to demonstrate specific experiences for a young person to learn. I sometimes call this Conscious Modeling to emphasize the intentionality. Conscious Modeling is “Intentional and purposeful behavior to communicate specific experiences for a child to internalize and learn.” In other words, interacting with a young person in specific ways that increase the likelihood for a desired experience. To “internalize” means to incorporate into a person’s subjective beliefs, values, or attitudes. Conscious Modeling is behavioral (expressed through behavior). It is most effective as an action (through demonstration), rather than primarily through words.
For example, if a child accidentally breaks an expensive vase there are many ways one might react or respond to the child. Conscious Modeling responds intentionally to demonstrate specific experiences for the child to internalize and learn. Perhaps a parent says, "It's o.k. Mistakes happen. I know you didn't mean to break the vase." In addition she might behave in ways that demonstrates softness, kindness, and calm. From this interaction the child might internalize experiences of love, forgiveness, or acceptance as ways she, herself, can respond to similar disappointments. If a parent behaves harshly towards the child and says, "Why don't you watch what you're doing! You're so clumsy sometimes!", the child might internalize anxiety and shame. While these are very blatant examples, it's important to understand that human communication (both verbal and nonverbal) is often much more subtle than this. Kids develop complex beliefs about their world (both enjoyable and painful) through many varied experiences. These beliefs influence how kids think and feel about themselves and, therefore, how they behave and respond in the world.
Modeling is both the conscious expression and the internalization of interpersonal relationship. How we (parents, teachers, and mentors) behave and interact with children influences their internal map of life. Adults have choices for how we behave with young people. The result of our behaviors has been beautifully illustrated by Dorothy Law-Nolte, Ph.D. in her poem Children Learn What They Live.
It can take courage to admit that we adults are sometimes thoughtless in our interactions with young people. However, just as the silence between notes makes music possible, a harsh interaction with a young person is also an opportunity for relational connection. It's never too late to initiate repairs though an apology. An apology models many things, including love, humility, awareness, and appreciation.
If you struggle with how to relate calmly and confidently with a young person it might be helpful for you to meet with a family therapist or parenting specialist to learn new tools for responding to stress. A personal counselor can also help you clarify your own pain and suffering so you can relate differently with the young person in your life. Above all, be gentle with yourself because the strongest way to influence your daughter or son is always by your example.
Copyright © 2001-2010 Douglas Johns, MSW (Feel free to copy and distribute this article freely and only with credit given to the author. You may contact Douglas Johns at the following address: Doug@CounselingTeenagers.com. I'm sorry that I can give no personal advice or counseling through this website. Any inquiries of that nature will not be returned. Please contact a specific counselor in your area through this directory. And please read the Directory Disclaimer before making your decision on any choice of care.)
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