Oppositional Defiant Disorder
by Douglas Johns, MSW"If you want to mentor youth you must be more outrageous than youth." -Robert Bly
Teenagers who exhibit antisocial behaviors are suffering. To help them, adults need to have compassion for defiant teens. Of course, a certain amount of rebellious behavior is normal and developmentally appropriate for all teenagers. But when rebellious behaviors begin to interfere with higher developmental achievements (i.e., completing school, developing healthy relationships, etc.) there may be a larger chronic problem such as depression, anxiety or chemical dependency underlying defiant behaviors. That's what I mean by suffering. To help oppositional-defiant teens, caring adults need to remain curious about the underlying pain fueling the anger and defiance.
Most people, health professionals included, struggle with how to effectively build a therapeutic relationship with an angry and defiant teenager. Building healthy relationships with defiant teens is crucial, however, for teaching and modeling new skills and behaviors that young people can integrate. But how do we start? You first need a "ticket of admission". A Ticket of Admission is some indication (verbal or otherwise) that the teenager is open to relationship. This probably sounds contrary for an oppositional teen but it's important to understand that these openings do exist, can definitely be fleeting, and are often missed by adults.
The structure for obtaining and maintaining this "ticket" must be founded in the ability to accept teenagers just as they are, without demanding that they change. Now don’t get me wrong; acceptance does not mean condoning destructive behaviors. Acceptance includes a willingness to maintain honest and curious dialog with a young person despite her/his behaviors. In over twenty years of youth work it has been my observation that all teens desire calm, confident and safe adults in their lives who demonstrate respect and curiosity for the young person as an individual. If actions ever speak louder than words it is with youth.
Teens are constantly monitoring their environment for cues toward behavior, for safety, and for knowledge. Quality youth work joins with this style of learning and acknowledges the unique traits of each individual. In a culture where youth is glorified but seldom listened to, where the cultural pressures on teens are unprecedented, and where the over stimulation of kids is ubiquitous, I have received gratitude from the most hardened of teenagers who have experienced my sustained, respectful, and caring curiosity about them. It cannot be over stated: Young people don't just need mentors and role models, they want them.
Copyright © 2001-2010 Douglas Johns, MSW (Feel free to copy and distribute this article freely and only with credit given to the author. You may contact Douglas Johns at the following address: Doug@CounselingTeenagers.com. I'm sorry that I can give no personal advice or counseling through this website. Any inquiries of that nature will not be returned. Please contact a specific counselor in your area through this directory. And please read the Directory Disclaimer before making your decision on any choice of care.)
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